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Jadite

there's no love here
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points

1 min read
i know i said i was gone, but i just remembered that i had points left.
i'm giving them to arabesque-o who is an amazing, amazing writer and person.
i hope everyone who has donated points in the past approve. <3

goodbye for reals this time.
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i haven't been here forever, and i don't think i'm coming back again. however, i can't bear the thought of deactivating my account so i guess i'm just never going to sign in again? i haven't figured out the specifics yet, but don't except me around much in the future. 
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sudden(ly?)

1 min read
consider me still alive.

however, college apps are eating my face. so i will be gone for a while yet. there are lovely deviations sitting in my inbox and i'm desperately hoping for some time soon to go through all of them and give them the time they deserve.

you know, every time i consider leaving dA, i end up going through my inbox and remembering why i stay.

although, i don't know how much more writing i'm going to be posting.
i feel weird putting my words on the world-wide web now. it's just...weird. personal.

i hope everyone's holidays are going wonderfully. <3
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i got a gorgeous golden dress and combat boots and it makes me happy.

however, i'm currently trying to write an essay about my struggle with depression and i have no idea how to go about making it seem serious and not attention-seeking while still keeping its intensity intact.
aargh.
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I realize I just wrote a journal, but let's try something.
I was reading Sierra DeMulder's tumblr and I saw this: sierrademulder.tumblr.com/post…

the basic gist is to post a "thorn" and a "rose" every week.

thorn // my mom and my sister and i argue about music. that is, orchestra and how we participate. now, i don't know if i ever mentioned this, but i quit orchestra. this is my first year since fourth that i have not been in orchestra. (except for a brief stint in fifth grade as a flute player but psh.) i quit because it was killing me on the inside. there was too much pressure, too much competition, too many emotions attached to this stupid class of people who didn't care. and so i stopped caring right with them. it became one of the worst things for my mental well-being. i constantly wanted to cry over it. i forgot why i loved playing in the first place. i gave up the chance to be first chair (which i have wanted since seventh grade) by quitting. i don't regret it. now, my sister plays the cello. she is five years younger than me. i find myself pushing her to practice, to be first chair in her section, all those things i quit because of. i also know that i want her to enjoy it, and i'm trying to force her to enjoy it. because i know if she practices, she will have more fun. but i hate when my mom does it. my mom has not been in that position. she sees it as just another thing to work hard at, and that we should enjoy that hard work and personal satisfaction. i hate it. i know i do the same thing she does, and that i should just encourage my sister to do what she wants. but i feel like not practicing isn't what she actually wants. i think she wouldn't be happy sitting in the back. i'm just afraid i'm doing to her what my mom did to me, and with her, there's two of us doing it.

rose // i have been alright lately. i use this loosely. the depression is still there, obviously. i have moments of extreme panic and feeling like i can't do anything properly. i'm still here though. i'm still breathing. i have a group of wonderful, lovely poets that i am around. i have poetry workshops. i am one of the poets who have been around longest. i'm kind of a helper, in a way. i get to be an example. i get to help out with workshops at other high schools AND be a part of the college kids. i get to hang out with some of the most talented poets out there, and i am so lucky to have them want to see me improve. i slammed last night. the first round, i came in fifth out of ten. i got one 8 point something and four 9 point somethings. that is out of ten. that's...pretty good, to say the least. it honestly helped my self-esteem. and i have been told that i am no longer allowed to not believe in my writing. that was...indescribable.
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Featured

points by Jadite, journal

of hopeless romantics and goodbyes by Jadite, journal

sudden(ly?) by Jadite, journal

updates and ladida by Jadite, journal

a thorn and a rose by Jadite, journal